Top 100 Office Tv Show Quotes

“Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
— Michael Scott”

“My future isn’t going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It’s going to be determined by two big black balls.
— Darryl Philbin”

“When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung.
— Creed Bratton”

“Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.
— Stanley Hudson”

“I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
— Michael Scott”

“The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible.
— Dwight Schrute”

“I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.
— Michael Scott”

“Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?
— Jim Halpert “

“I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I’m in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity, and discretion.
— Oscar Martinez”

“The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man’s life comes together perfectly. Perfectenschlag. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate. I am assembling a competent team. I am likely a father. I am so deep inside of perfectenschlag right now. And, just to be clear, there is a second definition, ‘perfect pork anus’, which I don’t mean.
— Dwight Schrute”

“Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.
— Kelly Kapoor”

“I’m making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star… or any number of drag queens.
— Michael Scott “

“Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.
— Michael Scott”

” At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?
— Dwight Schrute”

“Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.
— Kelly Kapoor”

“I talk a lot, so I learn to tune myself out.
— Kelly Kapoor”

“Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!
— Kevin Malone”

“Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
— Jennifer Celotta”

“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.
— Michael Scott”

“Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.
— Michael Scott”

“Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
— Michael Scott”

“I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up I would definitely not go.
— Michael Scott”

“Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don’t sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.”

“Pam Beesly : “”I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.””   “
“Kevin Malone : “”I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”” “

“Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.
— Stanley Hudson”

“My perfect Valentine’s day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.
— Dwight Schrute”

“Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good.
— Andy Bernard”

“I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.
— Michael Scott “

“Oh God, my mind is going a mile an hour.
— Michael Scott “

“I’m sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans!
— Michael Scott”

“I am Beyonce, always.
— Michael Scott “

“Maybe we weren’t right together, but, it’s weird. I’d rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?
— Ryan Howard “

“I want you to rub butter on my foot…Pam, please? I have Country Crock.
— Michael Scott”

“I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.
— Michael Scott “

“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.
— Michael Scott “

“Is there something besides ‘Mexican’ you prefer to be called? Something less offensive?
— Michael Scott”

“It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.
— Dwight Schrute”
“I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.
— Michael Scott”

“I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get and go sit in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch was paid for. That is the life.
— Stanley Hudson”

“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.
— Michael Scott”

“My ex is meeting my sex. Which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis. That’s just part of it.
— Andy Bernard”

“Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest… that’s what she said.
— Michael Scott “

“I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.
— Michael Scott”

“I got away with everything under the last boss and it wasn’t good for me. So I want guidance. I want leadership. Lead me… when I’m in the mood to be led.
— Ryan Howard”

“Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.
— Michael Scott”

Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.’
— Michael Scott”

“This is a documentary? Oh. I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.
— Kevin Malone”

“Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.
— Michael Scott”

“Yes it is true! I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. I need a username and I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
— Michael Scott”

“If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
— Michael Scott “

“It’s a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
— Michael Scott”

“An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.
— Michael Scott “

“I have six roommates, which are better than friends because they have to give you one month’s notice before they leave.
— Toby Flenderson”

“Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.
— Michael Scott “

“Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your momma’s dead.’ That’s what friends do.
— Michael Scott”

“About 40 times a year, Michael gets sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.
— Michael Scott”

“Who is Justice Beaver?
— Dwight Schrute”

“Pam Beesly : I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.””  “

“I haven’t proposed to anyone in years.
— Andy Bernard”

“This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she’s cute now you should have seen her a couple years ago.
— Michael Scott”

“I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.
— Michael Scott”

“Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.
— Michael Scott “

“No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs…Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?
— Michael Scott”

“Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.
— Dwight Schrute”

“There is no such thing as an appropriate joke, that’s why it’s a joke.
— B.J. Novak”

“Toby is in HR which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also he’s divorced… so he’s not really a part of his family.
— Michael Scott”

“Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.
— Michael Scott”

“I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.
— Dwight Schrute “

“There are two things I am passionate about: recycling and revenge.
— Andy Bernard”

“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
— Michael Scott “

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
— Michael Scott”

“There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?
— Pam Halpert “

“Dwight: I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are… at vision”

“My parents used to scramble to find babysitters, so they could take my little brother to do stuff.
— Andy Bernard”

“The worst thing about prison was the dementors.
— Michael Scott”

“We’re all homos. Homo… Sapiens.
— Michael Scott “

“I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?
— Michael Scott”

“If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.
— Michael Scott”

“I say dance, they say ‘How high?’
— Michael Scott “

“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.
— Michael Scott”

“Dwight: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.”
“There’s this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there’s an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a… phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it’ll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.
— Jim Halpert “

“No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.
— Michael Scott “

“Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence.
— Dwight Schrute “